Yeahp. You are impossible. I honestly don’t get you. You might think that since I’ve known you for more than a year now, I would be used to it. But I’m not. What sucks the most is that I actually have real feelings for you. Not even the cutesy type. The whole yeah-i-wanna-try-to-have-a-relationship-with-you-if-you-wanna-try type, man. Which, might I say, I don’t usually feel. I’m not just saying this, btw. I fell into your trap so hard Take my word for it. But yeah I don’t wanna try anymore. My life’s full of drama and I don’t think you’re the type who likes drama. You won’t be able to handle it. Plus, you don’t take things seriously. Not even my feelings for you. But I’m not gonna be bitter about it. I’m not gonna stop liking you either. I’m just gonna stop trying and hoping cause it doesn’t really get me anywhere. I just look stupid and needy and clingy and vulnerable. And me no likey dot. So I’ll just go with the flow of da blood coming out of mi vajayjay (joke ew. hahahahahahahahahaha) Who knows where the road will lead us now. choz! Okay this has been sufficiently sabaw already.
P.S., we would have been a cute couple pa naman. Chozbells! :) and a great one too.
“We don’t pick who we fall in love with and it doesn’t happen the way it should.” - No Strings Attached
I’ve been a real pessimist lately. Thinking more about the negative side of things. You may even call me cynical with the things I say to people who are in love. It’s not like I flipped a switch and decided to be this way without enough reason. I’ve seen so many relationships fail that I don’t see the point of even getting in to one. I mean, people just end up getting hurt. I’m not saying this as merely an observer but I’ve experienced such shit firsthand. Believe me when I say, it’s not worth it. Love’s not worth the pain of the aftermath. It’s just not enough…. But that was before I had this weird feeling. It’s like everything I know about love changed just like that. I’m hella scared knowing that someone has this hand above me. I hate the fact that I’m the one who loves more. But I want this to be real. All of it. I want this to last. I want this to be like no other. I got really hurt in the past and I’m trying really hard not to get hurt again but I’m willing to risk it for you.
I love people too much too. I don’t wanna get hurt so I push them as far as I can so I won’t feel the pain when they leave. I don’t really know why I’m like this. I guess I’ll end up being alone.
You know what sucks? Not having the guts to say what I really feel. It’s not like I can talk to you about it. If I do, I’ll surely lose you. I won’t let it happen. Not again. Not now, at least. But the funny thing is it’s inevitable that we talk about what’s going on at some point. As a teacher one said, we’re just prolonging the inevitable. And the moment we talk about it is the moment I lose you. So maybe I prefer this uncertainty rather than having to lose you. This uncertainty is good. You texting me sweet messages and calling me baby is better than nothing at all. Getting tongue-tied and trying so hard to decipher what you really mean is better than not having you at all. Who knows? Maybe by the time we talk about it, I’ll be ready to face the cold, hard truth that this is only a one-way street to a broken friendship. I’m sure there would be no turning back. I’m sure I’m gonna be the one whose heart is shattered. But until then this will have to do.
Remember the time when you wanted something to happen really badly and you’d seriously do anything just for it to come true? It happens to me all the time. That doesn’t really bother me. What bothers me the most is that I don’t learn from situations like these. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I haven’t learned from this in the past. Then this thing happened. It just hit me like a thunderbolt. Everything I wanted, planned, and prayed for just never happens. Everything I thought would happen to me just doesn’t. Here I am being a romantic and seeing the good in times when a situation doesn’t happen the way I planned it and thinking, hey this might be for the better or this might turn into something much much much better than the way I planned it to be. But fact is, it just doesn’t. Seeing how things always turn for the worse and being stupid thinking that it would never happen again, I’ve run out of faith, luck, and optimism. I just don’t get it. Why am I the unluckiest person. Ahk. I don’t really have a point in writing this entry. I just wanted to let it all out.
I don’t know whatever happened. I don’t know if it’s my fault or if he’s just a dousche like that. It seriously annoys me when I think of the fact that I considered him to be one of the truest friends I’ve got. Arrrgh. For a moment there I really thought our friendship was gonna last but no. He just had to fuck up like his other friends. Oh well. There’s really no point in even wanting to be friends with him cause he clearly doesn’t want anything to do with me.
ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN AND WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
This weekend conjured me to take upon the challenge that this quote suggests. With all that has happened to me, to my family, and to my friends, I can’t help but wonder, do I really know how to change? And if I do, do I know what to change? These are the questions that bothered and kept me awake.
I kept trying to change I had no power to. I kept praying that my family would be normal like my classmates’. I kept thinking that someday my mom and dad would change their minds and get back together again. I had these fantasies of having a house of our own and having quality time like the families in those commercials. I waited for a miracle… When I knew this wasn’t going to happen, I drank to ease the pain. I started hanging out with my friends more so I could forget all the pain. I started on counting on my friends to somehow provide the love my parents deprived me of having.
My situation does not justify what I did last friday. (11/11/11) It wasn’t a reason to waste my life on things that destroy it or impede me to do better than what my parents did. What happened last friday made me realize that when everything goes wrong and when people leave, your family will always be there for you no matter what happens. If you fuck up, they will surely be there to help you.
I take life for granted. Here I am wasting my parents’ money on useless things that destroy me when other people are starving cause they don’t have money to buy food for themselves. Here I am wasting my knowledge and not studying hard when there are children you can’t afford to have a good education cause they have to work to provide for their family. At such a young age, their eyes were opened to such reality in life and they cannot do anything about it but to work to survive. Here I am drinking myself to death when there are sick people wanting to live longer and people who are killed leaving behind a family who wished they could be together even just for a minute.
I must change my ways and live a life parallel to God. I must keep in mind that I cannot change everything. I must accept the fact that whatever I do, I won’t have a typical family.
I’m sorry to the people I’ve hurt the most, my parents. I’m sorry for all the lies, the broken promises and sorry for blaming you for the wrong decisions I’ve done. I realized that life isn’t manipulated by fate. Life is the product of the choices we make. For all my imperfections, I swear I’m gonna make up for it. I’m gonna be a better daughter. I hope I regain the trust you’ve given me before. I’m sorry. I love you.
I’m sorry to family whom I’ve also lied to. The love and understanding you’ve given won’t go to waste. I promise. I will change my ways.
To my friends who also got into this mess, I’m sorry. We all didn’t want this to happen. I have to face the consequences of my actions and I’m sorry you guys had to face them with me. I know you guys have problems too even greater than mine. I will take the blame for whatever I have done. I hope you guys forgive me someday.
I’m sorry God. I cannot change everything immediately but I promise to change the things I can. I’m sorry for what I have failed to do. Forgive me Lord. I will change my ways.
In this battle against the odds of changing, may God guide me to fulfill whatever my parents have planned for me and may I achieve what I always wanted in life. :)
Well, that was stupid of me. I can’t lie, I wanted him back in my life and I just wanted things to go back to the way they were when the feeling was mutual. I miss those late night conversations when we would talk about nothing and ended up sharing everything. I miss those sweet text messages in the morning and before sleeping at night. I miss those times when he’d comfort me when I’m down and made sure everything was okay. I miss everything, okay. He got me like no one else. He understands me even when I don’t understand myself which is weirdly awesome. Haha! I know other couples are doing worse, not seeing eye to eye and all. But that’s just it, we’re not a couple. We never were. I cared about him like I never did for anyone. At that moment, he meant the world to me. I knew from the start that well, he always went to parties, he has friends… friends who are better than me, prettier than me, thinner than me, richer than me, went to a better school and that he could replace me with any of them and he did.
He didn’t talk to me anymore. He didn’t reply to any of my messages. He left just like that. It felt like he was avoiding me. At first, I didn’t seem to care cause I don’t think I should. I thought that he’d come back and that things were gonna be alright. But when a friend sent me a text and said she saw him grinding with another girl at some party, that’s when my feelings started to change. I started to lose my mind thinking of things to say just so I could talk to him again and I started hanging out where I thought he’d be. I know I’m the jealous type and all but I didn’t think I was gonna be jealous of some fat girl in a skimpy dress. But she wasn’t just some girl, she was the girl grinding with him. I couldn’t swallow the fact that he’s moved on and there I was crying and sulking at what could’ve been.
After awhile, he didn’t pass through my mind anymore. I hardly thought about him and I thought I got over him already. No one brought him up. In school, we talked about other guys and I have to admit it felt great at that time. Being able to free my mind of him, I started feeling better about myself. My weight didn’t matter, my height didn’t matter, and I didn’t give a fuck on what other people have to say about me. It felt right.
Then just a week or two ago, me and my friends went out for this concert. We grabbed a bite in the mall near the concert grounds. We were talking about guys and how they were stupid for letting us go and all then one of my friends brought him up and asked what had happened to us. I simply said we don’t talk anymore and they talked me into texting him. I was up for the challenge cause I thought it was gonna be easy and I didn’t think that it would bring my feelings back but it did. He replied as expected. At first it felt normal and all but things started to get cold also as expected. Little did my friends know that I was dying inside. I kept my true feelings to myself that night but shared only a few things to some of my friends.
So yeah. I’ve been hiding what I feel so it piled up to the point that I couldn’t hide it anymore. I ate my feelings away so I got really fat. Lol. I ate lots of ice cream and rice. It helped me but not that much. I grew more conscious of how I looked like and I’ve been checking my weight all the time. I stalked him but not in that way where I follow him around. I just go to his wall every now and then and I’m not proud of it. I saw a lot of girls posting on his wall which made me cringe. I saw familiar girls who posted comments in his profile pictures. It made me hurt a lot more and I couldn’t take more of it so I talked to some of my friends about this and one of my friends suggested that I talk to him so I did. But I somehow lost my cool and made things worse. I said that we shouldn’t be friends anymore since he wasn’t acting like one and that we shouldn’t talk to each other aymore but I wanted to be friends with him, I wanted to be close to him even if it meant we would stay friends and nothing more, I wanted him not to go. Sure I liked him but being friends is better than not talking to each other at all. Anything and everything is better than what we have now cause we don’t have anything at all. We can’t talk to each other anymore cause of my stupidity. We can’t hangout. We can’t talk on the phone. We can’t even use y!m and I don’t have his skype, I don’t even know if he has one and I deleted him from my friends list in facebook for some odd reason which I don’t really know what, which isn’t good. I was so stupid for letting him go but I hope now he’s happy cause there won’t be as much drama in his life now that I’m out of it. I don’t regret what we had though and I’m glad that it even happened.
If you’re reading this, I miss you a lot. I’m sorry for being such a pain in the ass. Thank you for everything! :) :)
I still had braces when this picture was taken. Miss my hair. It’s shorter now. :(
day 11. A picture that your hair looks nice in
with @theoriginalsupergirl taken by @capturedartist follow em!!
joie de vivre
